When love brings two different people together...

Sarah

Andy and I have been together for 6 years. Earlier today, I decided that we need space. We would isolate ourselves in silence for one week and listen completely to God’s voice and what He wants to tell us with regards to our relationship. It’s not like I’m planning to break up or whatsoever. It’s just that we have had too many arguments for the past week and we both need to clear our minds off of all perplexities. And the best advice we could get is from the One who is the center of this relationship.

I know men and women are different and I’ve been aware of our differences for that long stretch of time but lately I’ve just been feeling exhausted because no matter how we try to understand each other, it seems that we just can’t.

                Last Friday night, I asked him to accompany me to do a quick shopping spree. I needed a dress for a school event on Valentine’s Day. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop near my school. 6pm sharp. I was there earlier and so I grabbed a magazine from the counter and decided to browse through the pages to kill time. I read and read. The moment I checked my watch, it was 6:15. I texted him and asked if he was already near—he knew how I am a stickler when it comes to time and I just hate waiting alone.

                I could feel my blood starting to boil when the clock told me it was 5 minutes before 7. I couldn’t contact his phone and he wasn’t replying to my messages. I was about to leave the coffee shop when he came bursting through the glass doors. He explained himself to me and eventually, I got a little calmer. We then proceeded to do the shopping.

                 I raised two dresses with both hands up in the air when I asked him what’s better between the two. He just stared at me and back at the dresses for 5 long seconds and said “They’re the same. They both look beautiful.” Ugh! Why couldn’t he be specific? I got even more irritated when he went to the store’s couch and sat down.

                The other day he asked me what I wanted for dinner and I just said “anything” because that was really the truth. I mean, what matters to me is that we eat together so at that time I couldn’t think of anything else. I asked him if he had anything in mind and his sudden change of expression told me he was kind of annoyed because I was supposed to answer the question.

                Last night I was just really down because I remembered the days when our relationship had just started. There was that brilliant spark between us that overcome our misunderstandings back then. I miss the times when we wouldn’t even mind our small arguments because we were SO in love. I miss the times when he was never late in our dates. I especially miss the times when he was courting me. I don’t like the changes that occurred. But I’ve known, I’ve known deep within that there will really be times when we’d feel nothing at all for each other. That phase in a relationship when the feelings just seem to have gone into a far, far away place.

                After these thoughts had bombarded my mind, I found myself searching for my Letter Box where all his letters to me were kept. The first thing that caught my eye was his very neat handwriting:

       Sarah, We will hold on to this when things are falling out of place. I love you and I always will.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

                                                                                                                -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

       

ANDY

 Sarah and I have been together for six years. We have been through many ups and downs and we have been strong all along. Just earlier today, I couldn’t understand why she told me that we needed space until she opened up that she feels we need to listen closely to what God is saying. Perhaps this is another phase that will make us stronger.

Yes, we are different in myriads of ways. But that doesn’t matter to me. What hurts me is the idea that she may be tired of me or I’ve had too many shortcomings. But I dispel the thought away because I know what we have is deeper than that. Right now I want to look closely to what has happened lately that caused that gap between us.

                Last Friday night, she asked me to accompany her to do a quick shopping spree. I was eager because I felt we had a lot of catching up to do since we’ve been very busy lately. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop near her school. 6pm sharp. I was ready before the clock even hit number 5. But something happened that caused my delay. I was washing my hands at the kitchen sink when the faucet broke, pouring floods of water over me, and soaking my clothes and the phone inside my pocket. I had to fix the waterline and I couldn’t tell Sarah because my phone went completely dead. To make matters worse, I was alone in our house at the time.

                I made it to the coffee shop a little before 7pm. I saw Sarah impatiently leave her seat and walk towards the door. I ran up to her and apologized, laying down all the details of what had just happened. She seemed to feel better after that. 

                 I thought everything’s perfectly fine as we went on shopping until she was disappointed once more. She asked my opinion as to what I thought is better between two dresses. I eagerly imagined each dress on her and I saw how beautiful she’d look. She amazed me with her graceful movements as she held the dresses up in the air. I muttered a “They’re the same; they both look beautiful,” because I had no second thought that both dresses would look as lovely on her. What happened next was something I didn’t expect. She pulled a long face and turned her back on me, diverting her attention to other dresses. I didn’t know what I did wrong or if I said anything that was offensive. I just went to the store’s couch and sat there.

                The other day, I asked her what she wanted for dinner because I really wanted to bring her food that she really wanted. She just said “anything” and I don’t like the idea that I was clueless. I was afraid I’d bring her something that she doesn’t like. She then asked me what I wanted and it just didn’t seem right. I am the guy and I want her to let me lead the relationship and pursue her even in small ways.

                Sometimes things between us get blurred. But no matter what happens, my love for her never changes. It’s not seasonal. And when I decided that she’d be the only girl in my life six years ago, it never altered. There were occasions when I might glance at other girls but that ends there. No matter how many girls are before my eyes, she’s different from them all. I have been faithful to the apple of my eye: Sarah. I admit that I’m somehow upset with all that’s happened lately but my love for her overpowers it all. And I go back to the definition of love that we’ve been holding on:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

                                                                                                                

Nang Mahanap Ko ang Pag-ibig

(Para sa mga single at may boyfriend na naghahanap pa rin ng pagmamahal na magkukumpleto sa kanila. Bear with me dahil first time kong magsulat in Filipino, though I decided to use Taglish and terms found in Pinoy conversations accessible to readers of any age :D )

   Pagbati sa’yo mambabasa! Ako si Julia. Kasalukuyan akong nasa isang beach resort, retreat namin sa kolehiyo. Tuwing masasaglit ako sa karagatan, ugali ko na ang magsulat sa isang puting papel at ilagay ito sa bote na dadalhin ng hampas ng mga alon. Hindi ko alam kung ilang tao ang makakabasa nito, ang iba siguro’y hindi magkakainteres at hahayaan lang itong sumabay sa pagtilapon ng tubig, ang iba’y babalutan ng curiosity at handa na igugol ang oras sa pagbabasa. Alinman sa dalawa, sigurado akong hindi aksidenteng hawak mo ngayon ang puting papel na ito.

   Gusto ko lang naman ikwento ang bagay na matagal kong hinalughog sa buhay ko. Pitong letrang hinanapan ko ng deskripsyon kung saan-saan. Pitong letrang nagpangiti at nagpaiyak sa aking damdamin na kung tawagin ng mga kaibigan ko’y fragile at sensitive: P.A.G.-I.B.I.G.

   “Ano ang pag-ibig?” yan ang tanong ko sa sarili mula 5 years old ako. First time ko sa eskwelahan bilang kindergarten at tinabi ako ng titser ko sa pinakacute kong klasmeyt. Nang mga oras na ‘yun, wala pa akong kamalayan sa salitang pag-ibig pero ang alam ko’y masaya kong ibinahagi ang baon kong hotdog at rice kay Jed at madalas ko siyang asarin. Sa playground ay hahayaan kong mauna siya sa slide kahit na nasa harap ako ng pila. Pag-ibig na ba ang tawag dun? Ewan ko. Ang huli kong naaalala ay lumipat siya sa mas mamahaling school at hindi ko na siya nakitang muli.

   Pagtungtong ko ng elementary, namangha na naman ako sa isa kong klasmeyt. Si Froilan ang una kong napansin nung 1^st day of school. Buhat noon ay siya na ang laman ng isip ko; ilang beses akong napagalitan sa klase dahil nahuli ako ni Ms. Garcia na naglalaro ng FLAMES (friend, love, anger, marriage, enemy at sweetheart) sa kwaderno imbes na magsulat ng mga aralin. Punong puno ng pangalan ni Froilan ang pink notebook kong may mukha ni Hello Kitty sa harap. “Crush ang tawag diyan,” ang sabi ni Inay. Crush lang ba talaga yung iiyak ka kapag nalaman mong pupunta siya sa ibang bansa at hindi na babalik? Magma-migrate na raw kasi silang mag-anak sa States. Ayun, naglaho nalang ng parang bula si Froilan bago kami mag Grade 6. Parang si Jed. Lungkot na lungkot ako nun kaya mas naging curious ako sa love.

   Kumbinsido na ako na nahanap ko na ang love pagdating ng highschool. First boyfriend ko si Lester. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na siya na ang mapapang-asawa mo? Laging tumatalon ang puso ko tuwing nakikita ko siya. Basta iba ‘to, ibang iba sa naramdaman ko kina Jed at Froilan. Perfect na ang lahat, araw araw niya akong pinapakilig sa mga matatamis niyang salita. Pupungayan ko ang mga mata ko tuwing kausap siya. Ngunit ang pagpungay ng mga mata ko ay biglang naglaho nang malaman kong pinopormahan din niya yung kaibigan ng bestfriend ko. Pinagsabay kami. Umikot ang mundo ko nun, mabilis na mabilis na para bang gusto ko nalang bumagsak. Iyak ako ng iyak sa kwarto at hindi ko na nagagawa ang homework ko.  Ganito ba talaga ang pagibig? Wala bang happy ending?

   Naging desperado ako after ng break-up namin ni Lester. Marami akong naging boyfriend. Mga apat. Yung isa tumagal ng 3 months, yung dalawa 1 month, at yung isa…3 days! Gusto kong maniwala na walang lasting sa love. Na ang love ay parang tsokolate na matamis sa una pero nakakaumay din kapag marami na at hindi mo mamamalayang na-digest mo na pala. Pero deep within me, alam kong mahahanap ko rin yun balang araw. Yun nga lang, ang puso ko’y parang naging band-aid na na ginamit ng mahigit tatlong beses. Sinubukang takpan ang mga sugat pero hindi ito inalis at pagkatapos sa isang sugat ay hindi na ito epektibo sa pagprotekta sa iba dahil nawala na rin ang dikit nito.

   Pagkatapos nung apat kong boyfriend, matagal akong hindi nakipagrelasyon. Tinutukso ako ng mga kaibigan ko sa kolehiyo na tatanda raw akong dalaga. At nang napagusapan ang sensitive subject ng sex ay lalo akong napagtawanan dahil nalaman nilang virgin pa ako. Sinabi kong ipinangako ko sa sarili kong gusto kong kasal ang mauuna. “Hindi na uso yun! Kasal kasal e bakit kailangan mo pang maghintay kung pwede mo na namang ma-enjoy ngayon!” Ah basta. Hindi ko kailangan magpaliwanag. Final na ang decision ko kaya wala na silang masasabi na na makakapagpabago nun.

   Naramdaman kong naging O.P. (out-of-place) ako pagkatapos nun. Hindi na ako sinasali sa usapang malalaswa. Dapat ba nagsinungaling ako at sinabi kong hindi na ako virgin? Na-down ako pero narealize kong hindi ko naman kailangan i-prove ang sarili ko sa mga tao. Bakit hindi nila matanggap kung sino ako?

   Bihira na akong sumama sa mga lakad ng barkada. Madalis na mag-isa akong naglalakad sa campus o kumakain sa cafeteria. Hanggang sa nakilala ko si Kristina sa geography class ko. NBSB siya pero sa araw-araw na klase namin ay hindi halatang wala siyang boyfriend. Lagi nga siyang blooming na para bang marami ang kanyang manliligaw. Laging may ngiti sa mga mata niya. Nainggit ako sa kanya dahil ako, tingin ko’y laging kunot ang noo ko. O baka naging ganun na lang ang perception ko sa sarili.

  Isang araw ay late ang geography professor namin at habang naghihintay, kung ano ano ang sinusulat ko sa likod na pahina ng notebook kong dati’y pink pero ngayo’y dark blue na. Pagkatapos kong iguhit ang letrang “g” ay bigla kong narinig ang boses ni Kristina, “Nasaan ang pag-ibig?”. Binasa niya ang tatlong salitang gumugulo sa isip ko. Nagningning ang mga mata niya at abot tenga ang ngiti niya na para bang inaabangan ang pagkapanalo sa lotto. Pagtatawanan ba niya ako gaya ng mga kaibigan ko?

   “Julia! May klase ka ba mamayang 4pm? Sumama ka sakin! Ipapakilala ko sa’yo ang pag-ibig!” Tumigil ang orasan sa dingding ng classroom at hindi na ako nagdalawang isip pa. Abot-abot ang pagtango ko. Nagkaroon ako ng pag-asang mahahanap ko pa rin talaga ang pag-ibig na hindi temporary lamang.

   Dinala ako ni Kristina sa isang malaking room kung saan marami ang nagtitipon. Sa labas pa lang ay rinig ko na ang paghampas sa drums at pagkalabit sa strings ng gitara. Siguro’y ang mga tao dito ay brokenhearted din at single kaya nagsasama-sama nalang, ang sabi ng isip ko.

   Nakatungo kong sinundan si Kristina sa paghahanap ng upuan. Pasulyap sulyap akong tumitingin sa mga tao sa paligid. Marami sa kanila’y namumukhaan ko, silang mga masiyahin at proud na single. Inabsorb ko ang kantang tinutugtog sa oras na ‘yun. Pumikit ako at hinayaan kong dumaloy ang lyrics sa mga tainga ko.

Thank You for the cross
Without You I am lost
It is for Your cross I live today
Living for Your love
Lost but now I am found
It is for Your cross I live today...

   Hindi ko maintindihan ang mga salita sa kanta. Pero nagpatuloy ako sa pakikinig dahil hindi ko mapigilang marelax. Parang pinupuno ang mga holes sa puso ko. Sa paglipas ng oras ay ipinakilala Siya sa akin. Siya pala yung mahal na mahal ako na matagal nang naghihintay sa akin! Yung kahit na anong gawin ko’y hindi ako lolokohin at iiwan. Yung hindi aalis at pupunta sa ibang lugar dahil pinoprotektahan niya ako saan man ako magpunta. Yung deskripsyon ng love na matagal ko ng  hinahanap but I had searched for the wrong places. Yung tanggap ako kung sino ako at hindi himihingi ng demands. Yung kahit masaktan ko’y hindi naglilista ng mga pagkakamali ko. Yung love na panghabangbuhay. Hindi 3 months, hindi 3 days.

   Nang tinanggap ko Siya ay nalaman kong dun lang ako magiging handa magmahal ng tao. Noon ay sa tao ako nakadepende kaya lagi akong disappointed. Hindi naman kasi mapupunhan ng tao ang emptiness ko dahil hindi gawa ang tao para makumpleto ang isa pang tao. “You complete me,” ang sabi ng maraming inlove. Pero hindi pala iyon totoo no? Hindi ka makukumpleto hangga’t hindi mo nakikilala at natatanggap yung pagmamahal nang nagbigay sa’yo ng heartbeat. Maraming ayaw maniwala sa akin, marami ang nagsabi na ang K.J. ko. Pero ang sinasabi nila’y parang hangin na dadaan at aalis din. Alam kong hindi ako nagkamali at hindi ako magsisisi.

   Nang malaman kong may nagmamahal sa akin ng ganun kahigit, nag-iba ang perception ko sa love. Hindi pala ‘yun yung pagsulat ng pangalan ng crush mo sa kahit na anong papel na mahawakan mo. Hindi pala ‘yun yung mga salitang magpapakilig sa’yo na sasambitin ng lalaking gusto mo.  At hindi pala yun yung parang electricity na dumadaloy sa dugo mo kapag nasilayan mo ang taong pinaniniwalaan mong soulmate mo na. It’s definitely more than that.